Last year taught me to accept the things I cannot change, practice gratitude. Love those close to me, BUILD and BUILD some more. Make memories with those that matter, those that reach out, those that want you around. Life is too short for anything else.
Grief is something you experience over and over and over again. It never goes away; it sorts of sticks with you like DNA. This past year has been challenging. Just when I thought I was leaving the year 2020 unscathed, happy, and moving on. One of my beloved friends leaves this earth; ironically, it felt earth crushing. Something I will never move on from because of the nature of the incident. Every day I wonder what could I have done differently? Could I have done more? Why wasn’t I enough for her to confine in? Was the pain that deep that I wasn’t worthy enough to help take it from her? Everyone deals with grief differently. I started to think about everything I could have done differently and came to the sad truth. You couldn’t change a thing. She had her mind made up. At least that’s what I like to tell myself to feel better about the situation, but the feeling of wishing I did more will never change.
You build these relationships with friends and family, and you’re left with the memories and experiences you create with them, and that’s all you have when they go on a separate journey. If your love is unconditional, you accept the new journey they decided to pursue. Right? but me? I feel a little jealous, I feel sad, I feel angry because part of me feels unworthy of not being worthy enough to take the journey with her. I built this love with her. I created this foundation with her. I opened myself to her showed her my strengths and weaknesses & here I am, left exposed. The only thing I want right now is for me to call her and speak to her like the old days, work through our futures and plans. I don’t have that anymore because she decided on a different path & while I’m unhappy about it, I have to accept it.
I will never regret being vulnerable to you Lara, loving you the way I did, building with you the things I built. I will never forget the laughs, the cries, the yelling, the indifferences, the lectures, the break-ups, the heartaches. It was all worth it with you. I learned so much from you, and you helped me become ME. I wish you felt that. While I can’t understand why things are the way they are. Through it all, you taught me the true meaning of unconditional love. I’m accepting your journey & I’m forever here to take it with you. You were one of the best things that happened, and even while you’re not here in the flesh, I will still carry out our purpose.
Get rich or die trying.